Lost and Found
by Lyris Malachi
Summary: SandmanFirefly cross over Oneshot River wakes sometimes, trying to escape her nightmares.


River wakes sometimes, trying to escape her nightmares. Her logical brain tells her that she can never escape. Sometimes her nightmares come when she is awake. She hates it when that happens; her logic no longer tells her what is real.

Simon is sleeping in a bed nearby. Sometimes he wakes up with her and sometimes he gives her a drug. Sometimes she even pretends it helps.

Tonight, she decides to let him sleep. She remembers that he sleeps so softly that he could sleep through a hurricane. Her brow furrows. Her logical brain tells her that is wrong, but she does not know why.

She decides she is thirsty so she slides out of bed and pads to the door-hatch. She walks silently and she can almost remember the dance lessons she took eight-point-three years ago.

_Serenity_ is silent as she sleeps (ships are always female) with her crew. She likes it when they sleep; she cannot hear them. River tries to vocalize what she hears, but she suspects that there is not a language yet that can express them.

The kitchen-galley is full of shadows, most of them created by the dim lights near the floor-deck. River can see well enough so she steps over the high lip of the door-hatch. Her feet are bare, but she likes the gentle vibrations from the floor-deck plates.

There is a girl sitting on the table. River is not surprised, though her logical brain tells her she should be. This girl is not loyal Zoë or pretty Inara or her friend Kaylee. She does not know how the girl got on the ship, but it does not seem to matter. She decides she likes the girl's eyes: one is blue and one is green. They match. Not even pretty Inara has eyes that match so perfectly.

"i'M LoSt aGAiN," the girl says. "I HeArD yOu aND yoU wEre CryInG ANd i rEcOgNiZeD yOUr VoiCE SO I CaMe sO i WoUlDn'T be loSt anY MorE."

River remembers the girl from before. She had been in her cell-room; _they_ did not see her. She likes keeping secrets from _them_. Sometimes she saw her during the treatments. _They_ call it treatments, but they were not. _They_ hurt them. _They_ hurt her.

The girl hops down. "aRe YOu lOsT tOo? BeCaUsE If yOu'RE lOSt, i dON't KnOW wHErE tO Go! I waS CHasINg barNabUs OR MayBe I hAd TuRneD iNto a hErD oF buTterFliEs AgAin AnD ThEn I hEaRD yOu CryInG aND i dIdn'T wanT You To bE SaD aNd noW I doN'T KnoW wHERe bArnaBuS iS." Her chin trembles and tears shimmer in her eyes.

"We can find him," River decides.

"BUt i dON't kNoW WhERE hE lEfT mE."

Her logical brain tells her what to do. "We'll look on _Serenity_. If Barnabus isn't here, we can look somewhere else."

"OKaY." The girl begins hopping on the deck-floor. Sometimes it is on one leg, sometimes it's on two. She stops and turns around, repeating her actions.

"What are you doing?" River asks.

The girls stops and places a finger at the corner of her mouth, thinking. "uM… i tHiNk iT's A GaMe. i'LL cALl iT cLouDcHAir. maYbe BarNaBus waS PlayING clOudChAiR aND CloUDchaiReD hiMselF LoSt. mAyBe We CAn OnlY FiNd hIM If WE clOUdchAIr Too." She hops past River, over the lip of the door-hatch and down the floor-deck. If River squints, she can almost see squares on the floor that the girl lands in. Her logical brain is sleeping too and so she follows the girl, hopping on one leg or two.

The girl stops at River's friend Kaylee's bunk. She touches a light and giggles. "THeY'Re lIke sMAll StArS. SHe's sO sMArT! shE CaPtuReD tHe sTaRs! i woNdER WhAt sTArs TaStE lIKe. i bEt ThEy TaStE lIKe StRawBerRIes."

"Kayless likes strawberries," River says.

The girl starts hopping again. River follows her to a cargo bay. It is sleeping too (cargo bays are not female). The stacked crates are not really crates, she realizes. They are statues. She hops to the _Venus de Milo_. River hates this statue; it is not accurate without arms. The statue next to it is the _Bark of Salvation_. It is 257 years old, but it is her favorite. She likes Kuan Yin standing in her boat.

The statue starts to crumble and River steps back. Marble falls to the floor-deck, but as it lands, it turns back into crates. She is sad to see her favoritestatue gone.

"OoOopSs," the girl giggles. "WhaT do tHOse sMeLl LiKe aNywAy?"

"Art," River answers sadly.

"ARt," the girl repeats. "i lIke ThE smeLL OF Art," she decides. "I Don'T tHiNk BarnaBus iS In hErE."

"Maybe he forgot who he is," she says softly. "Sometimes I forget and then I get lost."

"HoW Do yOU gEt uNlOsT?"

"Simon finds me. Sometimes he's too loud, but he doesn't know it. Sometimes…" Emotions threaten to overwhelm her and for a moment, she thinks she sees a naked woman standing in a window, reaching for her. "Sometimes I don't think Simon can find me." The naked woman reaches into River's heart, but River doesn't die.

She kneels beside a piece of marble-cargo. "How strange that you can build with this and make something strong and beautiful. You can break them down into dust too and no one will remember that anyone had built with it. I'll be dust some day too, just like this. It's a peculiar thing—one organic, one inorganic, both becoming dust."

River looks around and sees that the crates were really tombstones. She likes the lichen on them and wants to read the epitaphs and run her fingers over names that are weathered away. But she is afraid; she knows that the names her still-skilled fingers will discover will be hers and Simon's and her friend Kaylee's. She feels fear.

"Will I just turn to dust or will Kuan Yin come with her boat?" She doesn't understand gods or religion—they are not logical—but right now, she almost understood the need to believe in them.

The girl does not sound like the girl when she says, "MY SiSteR wILL tAkE CaRe oF yoU."

"There you are!"

"baRnAbUs!" the girl exclaims gleefully. "yOU Got uNlOst!"

"I wasn't lost; we were playing hide and seek, remember?"

"I Don'T rEmEmbEr HiDinG FrOM tHe sEEds. i wAnT mY sIStEr."

"Then let's go find her."

"River?"

She looks up with a gasp. Is it the girl's sister? She relaxes slightly when she sees Simon.

"River, what are you doing out of bed?"

She feels her forehead and eyebrows turn wrinkly as she remembers. "I was thirsty and then I wanted to look at the statues."

"Statues? Come on, River, let's go back to bed. I'll get you a glass of water."

"I'm not thirsty," she says. She almost remembers playing a game, but she does not remember who she would play with; everyone is asleep.

Simon sighs as he looks at the mess of crates. "I'll have to clean this up in the morning. It doesn't look like anyone of them opened. Are you ready to go back to bed, Mei-mei?"

She feels apprehension and shakes her head. "I don't want to get lost again."

He takes her hand in his. She likes his hands; they are smooth and soft. "I won't let you get lost. And even if you did, I would find you right away. I promise." He leads the way back to her bunk and tucks her into bed. "Good night, Mei-mei," he whispers and kisses her forehead. He is tired and she does not want to tell him that the night will not be good. She feels guilty that she made him leave his friends, but she does not tell him that either.

Instead, she smiles and pretends that everything will be all right like she pretends to believe him when he tells her that he will make her better. "Night," she whispers back.

Simon leaves and she curls into a ball, trying to remember why she got out of bed in the first place.


End file.
